So, got any plans for Underwear Day?

By JAMIE KELLY of the Missoulian

I have to admit that I don't think about my underwear enough.

I know they're there, because I put them on in the morning, or occasionally in the afternoon, or even less occasionally in the early evening, or quite rarely, never at all, having let the laundry pile up. And NO, underwear isn't one of those things you wear five times in a row, like socks. Did you hear me? NEVER wear your underwear more than once between washings, you filthy, disgusting pig. What, you want to defeat the whole purpose?

Because function No. 1 of underwear is hygiene - or at least it used to be before soap and penicillin. Today, if you're totally desperate and have no underwear, you can stick your legs through the Sunday Missoulian and wear it, though I wouldn't pass around the funny pages afterward.

When's the last time you really, truly thought about my underwear? Oops, I mean, your underwear?

You probably don't think about it nearly as much as the people who want a National Underwear Day.

Here I'm talking about a New York-based business called Freshpair.com. At Freshpair.com, they sell underwear, lots and lots of underwear. So the fine people at Freshpair.com are pushing to make Aug. 13 National Underwear Day.

Well excuse me, but isn't every day Underwear Day?

Actually, no, says Sean Evans, public relations director for Freshpair.com.

Sean laments that people minimize the importance of underwear - "Wearing underwear is more of a habit," he told me while getting in and out of a New York cab. As proof, Sean says that 10 percent of men don't even wear underwear anymore, choosing to go "commando," which is an odd word to describe being underwear-less, because if you're in a war and you're storming an enemy camp, don't you want to be your freshest?

Anyway, Sean's got this great idea of gathering a bunch of signatures to make National Underwear Day an officially recognized day, possibly utilizing the political muscle of New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who would probably back such an effort because Kenneth Starr is still holding 50 pairs of Bill's unwashed boxers as evidence.

Sean's very excited about underwear in a general public-spirit sense, not in a sicko-fetish sense. He believes it's a shame that we Americans spend $12 billion annually on undies only to hide them beneath our clothes. He thinks we ought to wear more clothing that lets other people get a peek at our underwear - "like Mark E. Mark and Sarah Jessica Parker, who wore that see-through skirt" on "Sex and the City."

I say let's cut out the middle man and just stick our panties and Fruit of the Looms on our heads.

Sean has all sorts of interesting facts about underwear that he sent to me. For instance, did you know that 21 percent of men prefer wearing thongs? Of course, those are probably East Coast men, who are always bucking fashion trends. In Montana, the only guys wearing thongs are single men who spend a lot of time alone on the farm.

While I don't wear a thong (I'm a boxer guy for a few reasons), I'd be happy to help Sean get the ball rolling here in Montana. Think underwear, act locally, I say.

Therefore, I'm asking the City Council to take a stand on this very important issue. Have you ever been to a City Council meeting where the mayor babbles on and on about some meaningless proclamation with all the excitement of a guy reading a computer manual? Well, underwear is no small matter. And so I've written up the following proclamation, which no doubt will be read post-haste at the next City Council meeting.

Mayor's Proclamation

WHEREAS underwear is the corner-garment of a free society; and WHEREAS I am wearing underwear right now, though they're riding up a bit; and WHEREAS The City of Missoula is a cleaner, healthier and less-chafed place with its citizenry comfortably fitted with fresh undies; and WHEREAS half the women in this town don't wear bras but when they turn 50 they'll wish they had; and WHEREAS the word "whereas" is stupid and antiquated, I, MIKE KADAS, in my Power as Mayor and because I am So Bored With Zoning Variances that My Beard is Going to Fall Off, do hereby declare August 13 NATIONAL UNDERWEAR DAY for the City of Missoula.

- Mike Kadas, Mayor

Jamie Kelly can be reached at 523-5254 or at jkelly@missoulian.com>

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