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He's keeping this Sunday's article "brief"

“Potato chips ... dip ... soft drinks ... party favors ...” “What are you
doing?” asked Velveeta Marie.
“Just planning my holiday party.”
“Wait a minute. Fourth of July’s long gone and Labor Day’s a while off,” the Velv said. “Are you in a Halloween mood already?”
“No, I’m talking about perhaps one of the most ignored holidays of the year, Wednesday’s National Underwear Day.”
“I’m shocked! Why, the mere subject itself demands coverage,”
Velveeta said.
“This all started when I got a press release from, which describes itself as one of the leading online retailers of women’s and men’s intimate apparel,” I said.
“Ahh, intimate apparel, a subject close to my heart,” Velveeta muttered. “Well, actually it’s closer to my ...”
“They talk about Marlon Brando in ‘A Streetcar Named Desire,’” I said, quickly interrupting her. “And then there was Sigourney Weaver in ‘Alien.’”
“I always kind of liked Al Bundy and his T-shirt in ‘Married ... with Children.’”
“You are truly a sad, pathetic puppy,” I sighed. “Anyway, they started this national holiday in 2003. Among various factoids, notes 25 percent of men prefer boxers, while 32, 28, 4, 4, and 7 percent, respectively, like briefs, boxer briefs, thongs, other styles and nothing.”
“Oh, please, please, pull-eaze!, tell me you’re not in the last category.”
“And 49, 28, 13, and 4 percent, respectively, of women prefer panties, thongs, boy shorts and other styles,” I rambled on. “And 6 percent of you ladies prefer to wear nothing.
“Also, did you know claims married men change their underwear twice as often as single men?”
“As opposed to your monthly routine?”
“They also note Italians wear red, and Argentineans wear pink.”
“As opposed to your bright, cheery summer shade of gray?”
“Thong underwear became popular by the ’90s,” I went on, “and is one of today’s fastest selling models.”
“We’re all praying that’s one trend you never latch on to,” Velveeta said.
“Well, it certainly seems you’ve done your research on this column.
Indeed, I think we can safely say you truly covered your ...”
Tom Carey may be reached at (765) 454-8560 or via e-mail at

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