The Underwear Observer has got another contributing author!

Everyone, meet Justin. Justin, everyone.

We thought it was about time that you got to read some funny stuff written from a guy’s point of view, don’t you agree? (Not that you were getting bored from my entries, hopefully). Anyway, two heads are always better than one, so we’re very excited to have Justin on board!

Here are some fun facts about our new underwear-topic aficionado. He likes modern art, yoga, gastro pubs, the beach, Bloody Marys, Christmas, tennis, flannel shirts, down comforters, oysters, stinky cheese, the color blue, pugs, white flowers, Joni Mitchell, E.M. Forster, and naps. Sounds like a match made in heaven.

You can look forward to reading Justin’s work in the very near future!

Underwear has come a long way from its boring tighty whitey days. Now it’s fun, fashion forward, sexy, an outlet for personal expression, and a source of self confidence. People are constantly buying new underwear – it’s not that expensive, and they can cheer you up and make you feel like a million bucks. So what do you do with all of the old undies that are so last month? Here are some ideas:

Disclaimer: These suggestions are meant for underwear that would not trigger a public health crisis. It is assumed that you do not keep underwear that is old, dirty and nasty. Wash your underwear thoroughly before trying any of these ideas.

1. Flashback to the Karate Kid
See that car in the driveway that could use a nice wash and wax? Don’t go out and spend money on towels and rags that you’ll just end up throwing away – use your old undies. They are, after all, made out of soft fabric that won’t scratch or damage the finish on your car.

2. The Cups are Half Full
Believe it or not, bras make excellent water balloon launchers. It would be a team effort (two people holding the straps on either side while a third person gets to launch), but there’s nothing more fun than seeing someone get smacked with a big fat water balloon. Especially when they’re not expecting it.

3. Your Inner Environmentalist
The next time you spill something on the floor, don’t kill more trees by using paper towels. Grab an old (clean) pair of undies, mop up your mess, and wash them to re-use again…or toss them. Notice, this is for cleaning up spills on the ground – not on tables. Your guests may be few and far between if they find out you’ve been cleaning their food’s resting place with underwear, no matter how clean they are.

4. Boarding School
If any of you are going snowboarding for the first time, you either know or have been warned that the first day is not going to be fun for you. Most likely you will be spending most of the day falling down, no matter how coordinated and athletic you are. If you don’t have a butt pad, it would definitely help to cushion your behind, knees, and elbows with some extra undies and, as strange as it sounds, bra cups. That extra padding really comes in handy! Wear some spandex under your snowboarding pants, stuff in some undies and foam cups for padding, and you’re well on your way to shredding some snow.

5. Cut the Draft
Are you experiencing trouble with cold air creeping into your nice, toasty rooms? Those pesky windows all have little leaks, no matter how much the salesperson promised you that they were airtight. Maybe cold air is coming under your door also. This last-alternative-underwear-use suggestion is pretty out there, but when no one’s around, stick some underwear under the door or along your window panes to maintain the integrity of the perfect climate in your home. The cold weather is bad enough - there’s no reason it should feel like winter inside too.

Just when I thought people couldn’t be any more ridiculous, some incredible genius out there sets out to prove me wrong. And oh, how wrong I was proven when I heard about this story. There is a woman suing Victoria’s Secret because she said that a small piece of metal used to attach a charm to her thong flew off when she was putting the thong on, hitting her in the eye and causing permanent damage to her cornea. Ummm…what?? I looked up a picture of this renegade thong, and really, it’s all about common sense. It doesn’t seem likely to me that the metal piece securing the charm to the thong would break and fly off with enough force to cause damage to an eye unless the wearer of the thong was trying to pull it on when it did not fit, thereby breaking it. Skip the thong and dance, please.

And you thought the McDonald’s Hot Coffee Woman was stretching it.

Back in the day, it was considered scandalous to feature underwear-clad models and celebrities on billboards. Way back in the day, women weren’t even supposed to show their ankles for fear of being the town tramp. So what is going on nowadays with celebutantes going commando and baring all for the world to see? Countless have been caught without a fresh pair – Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, to name a few.

I’m totally against visible panty lines, but going commando when you’re sure to be photographed is a bit too risky. Especially when wearing a revealing skirt or short dress, it is important to cover up adequately to avoid being publicly humiliated on the cover of US Weekly and gossip blogs the following morning. So let’s ponder. What could be the reason for this new fashion misstep that is prevalent among young Hollywood? Some of them may be working so hard at being famous for no reason that they are just too tired to put on undies when they get up in the afternoon. Or they spilled that cup of Starbucks that they’re always holding in tabloid pictures on their favorite pair, forcing them to go out for a night on the town without any underwear on at all. It could be that there was an underwear drought in California. Those inconvenient underwear shortages in that dry climate really do cause some serious problems. I think it’s time we all bought less underwear so there are more available for celebrities in L.A., don’t you? If we all pitch in, we can help to resolve the commando crisis.

In all seriousness though, most of the time when celebrities are caught without underwear, they are not going out for a wholesome trip to the corner ice cream parlor anyway. They’re going out for a night on the town or to party, and as such, think they need to dress the part. And, like, what says “crazy cool party girl” more than going commando? Duh!

By the end of a long night out, being photographed commando is probably the least of their worries anyway. Getting out of the car and into the house is priority one. Wouldn’t want to ruin that nice leather interior or those new Louboutins as a result of being umm…not sober, now would we. And we all know what it’s like to hastily get out of a car with a skirt on. Just be grateful a camera isn’t pointing at you when you have to do it.

Celebs who know how to cover it up

(Not necessarily in order of importance).

1. Your mom said so.
2. In case (knock on wood) you get into some sort of accident and you have a really hot paramedic with you in the back of the ambulance.
3. Continuing number 2, when you get to the hospital, it’s like one of those scenes from a TV show where they have to cut through the legs of your pants in order to save you, and as luck would have it, you are surrounded by handsome doctors.
4. Your date on Saturday night goes much better than expected.
5. In case the urban myth about those double-sided mirrors in dressing rooms is true.
6. Come to think of it, in case the urban myth about hidden cameras in dressing rooms is true too.
7. You think you have the apartment all to yourself for the weekend and your roommate comes home early – with her parents.
8. You somehow end up being “that girl” dancing on the bar this weekend.
9. You want to show your friends the new tattoo you got, and it’s located where the sun don’t shine.
10. You ate a bit too much at Thanksgiving, and your pants are now ready to split as soon as you bend over to pick anything up off of the ground.

And the most important reason of all that isn’t listed: it’s the hygienic thing to do. I really shouldn’t have to give you ten reasons. Just always wear a Freshpair!

Why do Superheroes wear their underwear on the outside of their costumes? Does underwear worn as outerwear give them some extra evil-fighting abilities that the rest of us normal civilians aren’t aware of? Let’s delve a little deeper, backtrack to our childhoods, and discuss some of our favorite superheroes to discover what secrets lay in the skivvies.

Superman – He sports red undies over his lycra one-piece to fight bad guys, defend the innocent, and save Lois Lane from whatever trouble her reporting duties get her into. If you follow his adventures, you’re aware that his alter ego, Clark Kent, sometimes needs to change into his super hero garb in seconds in order to save someone in time. So here is my theory. One day, in his early and inexperienced superhero years, he changed too quickly and didn’t realize he’d put his underwear on the outside of his spandex suit. He flew all over the place saving people and stopping villains, so of course his picture was on the front page of the Daily Planet and on-lookers everywhere saw him. In order to maintain his tough superhero reputation and not be made fun of, he had to make it seem like he wore his bright red undies on the outside intentionally. He got tons of press from it, women loved it, and he got to show off his favorite pair. On that fateful day, a legendary outfit was born.

Wonder Woman – Wonder Woman is possibly the most iconic superheroine in comics. At the time of her creation, she was the epitome of everything women themselves wanted to be, as well as what people wanted a woman to be. She was strong while still embodying all of the traits of a beautiful, virtuous woman. With her superhuman strength, Lasso of Truth, and bullet-deflecting bracelets, it’s no small wonder where her name came from. But how did her outfit come about? In her earlier years, she wore the same bustier, but with a full, flowing skirt as opposed to the bodysuit we see her in now. My take on it is this – skirts get in the way! It’s difficult to climb stairs in a skirt, much less roundhouse kick bad guys. Not to mention that she looks great in that bodysuit, even now when she’s pushing 60. No matter what the reason for her getup, one thing is for sure: She can definitely play with the big boys.

Batman – Batman is my favorite superhero of all. Why? Because he’s super all on his own – no weird alien DNA or toxic accident bestowing him with superhuman powers. He’s a guy who is in shape, smart, innovative, and comes up with his own toys to defeat the creeps in Gotham City. And, ahem, can we say “wealthy” and “Christian Bale”? He’s a girl’s dream come true and a villain’s worst nightmare. So for someone with such great taste in suits, why does Bruce Wayne lose his sense of style and do the underwear as outerwear thing? As a self-made hero, I think he had to take his cue from someone else, and the greatest role model he had was Superman. He probably also wanted to show off his best assets – and not of the financial kind, if you know what I mean. If an intelligent, successful, buff businessman can’t pull off a titanium suit topped off with some underwear, I don’t know who can.

Spiderman – This is one superhero that truly fights evil by not wearing his underwear on the outside of his skin-tight suit. The number one reason I think he doesn’t commit this fashion felony? Mary Jane is not a fan of that look. She’s all about jocks and upside-down kisses, not jockstraps and inside-out ensembles. Spiderman’s suit already shows off enough to keep Mary Jane intrigued, and allows him to swing from skyscraper to skyscraper with ease – there’s no need for the added bulk and drag created by underwear.

Hats, scarves, gloves, socks and purses. I can understand how those things could be one size fits all. That might even be stretching the “one size fits all” categorization, with the exception of purses. Everyone is different – the size of their heads, their hands, their feet – everything! So when I came across the brand Hanky Panky, who makes one size fits all thongs, I had to look twice. How in the world could a thong be one size fits all? I am certainly not the same size as Ms. One-time-beauty-queen that lives next door, nor am I the same size as Ms. I-eat-fast-food-every-day across the street. So how is it possible that we could all wear the same sized thong?

I did my research, and this is what I found out. The Hanky Panky thong is made out of the most forgiving stretch lace. That makes it possible for the material to conform to the wearer’s body, and believe it or not, it’s comfortable. Celebrities swear by them, tons of magazines have hailed their amazing comfort, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York has even chosen to feature Hanky Panky as part of their permanent costume collection.

Shop for Hanky Panky underwear and Hanky Panky thongs to see for yourself what all of the fuss is about.

…the waistband is more stretched out than Joan Rivers’ face
Note to self: Stretching at the gym is good. Stretching a dollar is good. Stretchy jeans are good. But a stretching waistband is BAD. There’s no way your undies are giving you the support you need if they don’t stay in place or even stay up. They definitely can’t be comfortable either.

…it starts resembling Swiss cheese
The bigger the holes in Swiss cheese, the better the cheese is considered. The bigger the holes in a person’s underwear…well, let’s just say the criteria for judging a person’s hygiene are not the same as for Swiss cheese.

…black and white have turned to gray
There is no gray area when it comes to hygiene. When your black undies are looking fuzzy and gray, it’s time to let go of things of the past and come to accept that you need a Freshpair. When your favorite white ones are no longer pure as snow but look more like the snow plow guy has run over them multiple times, you also need a Freshpair.

…you’re going on a flight that shows more than three Julia Roberts movies
On those long international flights, you don’t get fresh air, fresh food, or fresh-smelling people sitting next to you. And no, I’m not telling you to try and change into a fresh pair in the gross airplane bathroom. Just remember to have your Freshpairs ready when you reach your destination so you can change into them as soon as possible after you check into your hotel, take a shower, and feel human again.

…you’re planning on turning them inside out for the second time
This returns the underwear to its original “outside out” stage, but now it is dirty on both sides. This also means that you’re about to wear the same pair of underwear for the third day in a row (assuming you “change” your undies every day). Wearing inside-out underwear is already gross. Wearing them another time makes you a dirty underwearer. If you’re on a tight budget, get some multi-packs!

We’ve come a long way from the days of petticoats and fabled chastity belts. Here’s my little rundown of how bloomers got whittled down to G-strings, complete with (hopefully) enlightening facts and entertaining commentary. Buckle up for a long drive down memory lane.

When In Rome
Circa 1000BC

During the Roman Period, the foremothers of modern day underwear first came into being. Women in the Roman Period wore strophiae and subligaculae – in 21st century terms, breast cloths and loin cloths. These were made out of soft strips of leather, mostly worn in an athletic context. Can you imagine having to play sports covered only in strips of cloth? I can’t imagine the male spectators complaining about that situation.

Reed My Lips
1500s

We make a big 2500 year jump from soft leather to stiff reed and willow. By the 16th century, farthingales gained in popularity. These were petticoats stiffened with reed or willow so they stood out from a woman’s body like a cone extending from the waist. Personally, I’m a big fan of this farthingale trend. Disguise my hips and simultaneously be fashion-forward? Yes, please!

Industrialize and Minimize
1700s and 1800s

During the Enlightenment and the Industrial Age, spinning jennies and cotton gins made it possible for underwear to be mass-produced for the first time, allowing people to purchase underwear in stores instead of making them at home. Apparently women were not so enlightened about their need to breathe though, because this is also the age of the corset, and subsequently, the fainting room. Women would have themselves laced up so tightly that they couldn’t breathe. I like having a small waist too, but I like being conscious more! Skirt styles during this time became shorter, and in an effort to keep women modest and their legs out of sight, pantaloons were invented (the predecessors to Lindsay Lohan’s favorite fashion piece - leggings!).

A Comfortable Lead
1900s

In the 20th century, the first underwear print advertisement ran in The Saturday Evening Post. Comfort and durability were emphasized and fashion was never a selling point. The Liberty Bodice was introduced as an alternative to the constrictive corset. Smart move, ladies! Nobody will notice how good you look if you’re stuck in a fainting room all day.

In Bra’d Daylight
1913

This is when the first bra was developed – but it was two handkerchiefs tied together with ribbon. How supportive that was, I don’t know, but it paved the way for the modern bra we have today. So let’s give a hand to New York socialite Mary Phelps Jacob for uplifting all women everywhere (literally) with her savvy invention.

In Full Bloom
1920s

With the increased popularity of female athleticism (go girls!), bloomers came into fashion, especially for cycling and tennis. This trend helped push corsets out of style, so although I don’t like the look of them, I’m still pro bloomers.

Out With the Old, In With the New
1950s and 1960s

Underwear really burst onto the scene as a fashion item to be seen as a means of self-expression and an outlet for style, thanks to such icons as Christian Dior, whose “New Look” featured pointed bras. New designs and styles emphasized the bust more than the waist.

From Cone Waist to Cone Bra
1970s to Present

Two words: Sex Appeal. Madonna wore a cone bra during her Blond Ambition tour. Calvin Klein ads featured near-naked models (how far you’ve come, Marky Mark). Thongs came onto the underwear scene. Underwear became fun and fashionable, not just functional - and oh what fun we have with that concept now (think: David Beckham for Armani and Victoria’s Secret Fashion Shows!)

And that is how we got from loin cloths to Gisele and Heidi.