10 Worst Places to be Caught without Clean Undies
I don’t know about you, but my mother always stressed the importance of wearing nice underwear. Just to be an obnoxious rascal, I would ask, “But why mom? Who is ever going to see my underwear on some random day of the week?” As they say, mama knows best because no matter how hard you try to cover your skivvies at all times, there will always be a defining moment in your life when you wish you’d have worn a fresh pair. Here is a list of the top 10 places you wouldn’t want to be caught wearing undies resembling the yellow, crumbling parchment on which the Declaration of Independence was written.
10. Riding the bus
Maybe I’m just clumsy, but I’ve fallen down dozens of times while getting on and off the bus. Luckily, even during my nastiest fall, all clothing stayed in place. But you may not be so lucky. You don’t want your entire neighborhood to see your dirty knickers.
9. Gym class
The horrors of grade school gym class still haunt me. Although I only pretended to run the mile and ducked under every softball I was supposed to catch, it was impossible for anyone to get out of changing from his or her uniform into sweatpants. Wear clean underwear kids. You don’t want Gossip Gretchen to make adolescent life worse than it already is.
8. At a World Cup soccer game
Soccer fans are bat-shit crazy. They yell, curse, fight, spit and burn things down. World Cup games are very exciting and extremely entertaining. The next World Cup is only one year away. If you decide to go, make sure you pack plenty of clean underwear. If the opposing team loses to you, its fans might fight you for your pants.
7. Las Vegas
You never know what’s going to happen in Vegas. Pack cute underwear.
6. Walking down the sidewalk
Have you ever felt the air blowing up from the grates in the sidewalk? Have you ever felt your skirt hit your face because the air blew it over your head? Flashing the entire block is embarrassing enough. Doing so in last Tuesday’s underpants is much worse.
5. Dancing
Boogie woogie rock and roll, dance the night away. When you are in super serious dance mode, crazy moves and bizarre body angles take over your motor skills. If your underwear happens to peak out of your trousers when your in the zone, you want to be sure they are super fly. People should be crowding around you because you have ill moves, not because your undies belong to your grandmother.
4. On a roller coaster
Nothing is more fun than riding a really scary roller coaster. Disagreeing with me would make you wrong. It’s also wrong to wear contaminated underwear on one of these joy-generating contraptions. Gravity is not your friend and will bite you. One loose button on those pants, and everyone in line will be entertained. Don’t be embarrassed by your souvenir photograph.
3. The dressing room
Sales associates can be annoying. I know because I worked as one back in the day. And let me tell you, many customers provided me with too much information. Rule #1: Don’t exit the dressing room in your underwear. It scares the other customers. Rule #2: Don’t exit the dressing room wearing underwear that resembles remnants of a Mount Vesuvius eruption. It’s gross.
2. A bonfire
I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve seen it happen with my own two eyes. Someone gets too close to the flames and catches on fire. He or she stops, drops and rolls to save his or her own flesh from burning. The fire is out but there’s a hole in the pants. Oh my goodness did the underwear burn!? NO, they are just dirty? Oh that’s really gross; you should probably just toss those in the fire.
1. Birthday parties
Hip hop hooray ho! Everyone loves a birthday party. Cake, ice cream, loud music, clowns, elephants etc. But what happens when the party gets out of hand? You get excited, start swinging from a chandelier and someone runs by and pulls your pants down as a joke. Woops! Hope you were wearing a fresh pair!